How we relentlessly pursue management–and frequently disappoint ourselves

Picture by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

My granddaughter is 5 years outdated (“virtually six,” she would let you know), and being an opinionated, outspoken 5-year-old, she has excessive requirements for Santa Claus. When she visited him on the mall, she tugged on her mother and father’ coats: “Is that this the actual Santa?… Or one in all Santa’s helpers supporting him throughout Santa’s busiest season?… Or simply an imposter in a dressing up?” And on Christmas Eve, as we rolled out cookies and sprinkled meals for the reindeer on the entrance porch, she needed to know: “Do the reindeer eat cookies too… or simply carrots? How can we ensure that Santa will see the cookies? What if Santa’s gluten-free?”

She desires to make sure; figuring out the result will make her really feel snug and safe. She desires to know when he’s coming (“Earlier than midnight, or after midnight?”), which path he’ll be coming from (we tracked him on an app for hours prematurely), and naturally, if he’s delivering the presents she’s explicitly requested for in her letter. With expectations this excessive, Santa Claus has loads to reside as much as. 

I too have a excessive set of requirements—not for Santa, however for myself and the world round me. You and I haven’t met, however my guess is that you simply maintain a set of requirements that aren’t so completely different. Right here’s a handful of them that come to thoughts:

• To really feel bodily and psychologically snug
• To really feel secure on the planet
• To spend my time and power on duties and relationships I get pleasure from
• To really feel assured in my choices 
• To keep away from errors at any time when potential
• To expertise a way of success
• To really feel glad and content material in my moment-to-moment experiences

These targets reside inside me—and so they possible reside inside you as nicely. They’re a core a part of our psychological make-up. Right here’s the issue: If we’re not paying shut consideration, we undertake these targets as expectations. Realistically, we will by no means accomplish these targets on a constant foundation; the universe will at all times fail to line up in response to our needs. So, once we put money into these requirements, we find yourself disappointing ourselves as a rule. 

Certainty and Consolation

Of all these requirements, two appear major to us all: certainty and luxury. Sustaining a way of confidence and luxury will make our lives extra satisfying (or so we expect). Realizing what’s coming subsequent will make us extra snug.

By establishing these priorities, we inevitably create an enemy of any doubt or misery that arises. Once we wish to really feel safe and assured, and we begin feeling insecure, then we reply accordingly: We really feel an urge to eliminate it. Once we are uncertain, we quickly act to take away it—as a result of doubt breeds the misery of not figuring out. We’re overcome by a well-known sensation: “I don’t need this.” We develop a low tolerance for shedding, being in battle, being misunderstood, or feeling confused. We don’t wish to should prepare dinner dinner once we’re drained, or pull a muscle throughout train, or lie in mattress sick.

I undoubtedly match into this tribe. I don’t wish to really feel insecure financially, or fear about an undiagnosed situation, or sit in bumper-to-bumper site visitors. I would like safety. I wish to really feel comfortable and know what’s coming subsequent. Who wouldn’t need that? So, we’re all, I feel, consciously motivated and unconsciously pushed to hunt the consolation of certainty.

These needs will at all times be sitting within us, tugging at us, beckoning to us simply as Homer’s sirens referred to as out to Odysseus, tempting him with the promise of consolation and certainty: “Over all of the beneficiant earth we all know all the pieces that occurs.”

And these needs can shortly remodel into calls for. Search management now. Discover consolation now. Doubt and misery are unwelcome. Don’t allow them to in. As an alternative, search the reduction of certainty. I’ve developed deep respect for his or her everlasting presence and their highly effective affect over my choices.

So, I give up to the truth that I’ll by no means eliminate these needs—and I recommend that you simply do the identical. Identical to me, you’re without end going to wish to really feel secure and sure and comfortably in management. Your unconscious will search to get rid of any unfavorable ideas and emotions. Second by second, it screens for doubt and discomfort and periodically sends you a message: “Inside disturbance detected. Take away directly.” You are feeling the urge to get rid of that doubt as a result of your unconscious desires it gone. “I’m experiencing one thing disagreeable. Disagreeable experiences ought to be eradicated.” That purpose is constructed proper into your psyche.

* * * * * * * *

If we aren’t positive and we should be, it generates fear: 

Am I 100% constructive that I didn’t make a mistake?

Am I positive my kids are secure proper now?

Am I sure but that purchasing this home is healthier than renting?

When our need for consolation, confidence, and safety turns right into a requirement, it’s going to drive a substantial amount of our worries, fears, self-criticisms, and disappointments.

Why? As a result of, as my granddaughter is progressively studying, the world (Santa included) doesn’t at all times adjust to our needs. We can’t reside our lives whereas concurrently sustaining a way of consolation and certainty in addition to requiring some assurance of the result. It merely doesn’t work that manner. Having these expectations disrupts our capability to resolve issues and stifles our mental and emotional progress. Once we hunt down ensures that don’t exist, then we’ll at all times again away from choices, again away from motion, and transfer farther and farther away from a very satisfying life. 

It’s ironic, I do know, and it even appears counterintuitive, but it surely’s true: By in search of management, we lose management. It’s time to surrender management. It’s time to surrender our relentless pursuit of consolation and certainty. We’ve got higher issues to do with our lives.

Additional studying: “Stopping the Noise in Your Head: The New Method to Overcome Anxiousness and Fear,” HCI Books, 2016.